COVID-19, sickness, death, isolation, a failing economy, racial injustice, job insecurity, relationship difficulties, political failures, homelessness, pollution.... the list of daily challenges right now is endless. Each of us individually is responding differently to the waves of emotions arising in us - grief, burnout, loneliness, sadness, despair, hope, fear, uncertainty - and acting out in our own unique ways. It can be hard to understand what is behind our loved one's seemingly disproportionate reactions. So when we are feeling isolated, alone, and afraid, how to we begin to come together with our partners, family members, and friends?
Do you find yourself feeling jaded, sarcastic, and cynical about online dating? More negative than you care to be? More reactive to the recent ghosting incident, or the insensitive remark from someone you've never even met? There's probably a good reason for this: burnout. Dating burnout can be as mysterious and elusive as it is detrimental to our dating lives until we learn to identify it and deal with it. As with other kinds of burnout, dating burnout creeps up on us. The first few times it happens, we can't quite pinpoint what's happening until we're deep in the quicksand of burnout itself. Online daters usually "muscle through" imagining that if they just keep going, they'll meet someone who will make all the pain worth the struggle. How masochistic of us all. Here are some of the signs of online burnout and a simple roadmap to start dealing with it...
Okay, I admit it - the title is a shameless (but adorable) plug for my Metta Date class, an evening devoted to compassionate and heart-based meditation where we discuss dating-related topics (Monday nights, but currently on pause until spring 2020). The title "Metta-Date" is a play on the word "Meditate" and the word "Mettā (Pali), aka maitrī in Sanskrit, which means "benevolence, loving-kindness, friendliness, amity, good will, and active interest in others." I can't emphasize enough the benefits of Mettā meditation,
Unknown Artist, Dialogue of the Dead Source: www.dusttoashes.com Burning Man 2017
As we move into the winter months, the themes of death and letting go rise to the surface and enter our awareness on subtle levels. As leaves fall, plants die, shorter days give way to longer nights, animals go into hibernation, and life slowly retreats in a few final blazes of auburn leaves and wildfire, the fall air carries a sense of encroaching loss, decay, and an almost mystical feeling of wistfulness. As the Earth lets go of it's harvest and greenery, we as humans are asked to let go of our summer frolicking to face the the feelings that arise during the longer nights. We turn inwards, rest, reflect, and connect with loved ones.
Love by Alexander Milov Photo: Vitaliy Deynega
"Either you don't see this as sacred or you have a very different relationship to the sacred."
- words from a dream
I read an article in Elephant Journal this week called "Marry A Woman Who Knows You are Real," It is an article directed towards men (there's also one for women that I link to at the bottom of this article), imploring men to marry a woman who sees past their every day ego personality and into their soul, their magic, their flaws, and their depth; a woman who can see a man fully because she is whole in herself. The article moved me and led me to reflect on how much fear, superficiality, and avoidance I see in the dating world today, qualities that prevent men and women from having the love they so desperately are seeking.
The primary message of my upbringing, as I remember it, was that my role as a woman is to "be ladylike," aka (the non-gendered version) "be polite," and "always make others feel comfortable." I will not bore you with a rant about all the ways this message has negatively impacted my life or the ways in which statements like this reinforce patriarchal oppression, but I will take a few minutes here to discuss how this negatively impacts
Tips to be a good first date
….and to have a good first date.
Typically dating life begins to pick up in the new year, as the days get longer and everyone's New Years resolutions kick in. By February, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, singles everywhere start to tune back in to their heart's desire for a partner. This may be part of an evolutionary drive if we are anything like
This is one of those tips that I had to learn the hard way - in that, I didn’t even notice it until Tawkify matchmaking pro, Jules Armet, brought it to my attention and put it into words. Now, it’s something I have to tell myself regularly and practice daily. In jobs, and matchmaking is no exception, “getting things done” is usually a big priority.
Click here to read Secrets of a Matchmaker Week 1 on Tawkify's blog...
Even though tackling people’s dating lives is a job to me, I can’t approach it like just any other job because I am dealing directly with people’s emotional lives, offering these tender hearts up to another human being for evaluation, an act that inherently causes some amount of discomfort, if not pain. People’s emotions and hearts do not respond well to the same direct energetic approach that is required when doing the things that
A weekly advice column featured on Tawkify's blog Heartalytics. Every Friday I will be releasing a trick-of-the trade to help the average dater find love amidst this crazy world of online and offline dating. Comments, questions, and feedback are welcome and encouraged.
One day, after venting some of the frustrations I’d had finding matches for my clients, my matchmaking mentor, longtime Tawkify matchmaker Jules Armet, said to me: “as matchmakers, we take on the pain points of dating for our clients.” This stopped me in my tracks and immediately launched
Fall marks the beginning of a transition from outward focused activities like travel and summer sports, social parties, picnics, and barbecues to more inwardly focused activities, like focusing on work, reconnecting with friends and family, and spending time indoors.
Fall can also be a wonderful transition period into a time of deep listening and reflection. If you can listen to
"We didn't move to San Francisco to grow up!"
- Anonymous Friend
Here in San Francisco, there are a lot of self-proclaimed “sensitive” people out there, myself included. With its mystical foggy days, colorful citizens, candy-colored Victorians, and lush greenery, San Francisco is a town that beckons not only the thrill-seekers and argonauts, but also the sensitive, artistic seekers & Peter Pans
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I find myself thinking about the meaning of love and relationships even more than usual. We often think, and Hallmark might encourage us to believe, that love is something that exists only in relationship and between people. In reality, love is an expression and an extension of an inner state of being. When you realize this, something awesome happens. You realize that love is something that can be cultivated within yourself and is not dependent on another person. Once you cultivate it, you can create greater levels of love and
The solution to dating in San Francisco boils down to one simple concept. Choice.
You heard me.
Dating in San Francisco is about choice.
Earlier today, my head was spinning as I tried to figure out the dating problem in San Francisco. First I Googled “why is dating in San Francisco…” and Google finished my sentence for me with the simple words “so hard.”
“In 1956, psychologist &social philosopherErich Fromm proposed that loving oneself is different from being arrogant, conceited or egocentric. He proposed that loving oneself means caring about oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one’s strengths and weaknesses). He proposed, further, that in order to be able to truly love another
There’s a great book called The Five Languages of Love that completely changed the way I perceive relationships. Once I learned to name these five languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch), I was able to see ways my partner had been showing me love all along (ways I did not recognize as showing love). I was able to see the differences between his love language (Acts of service, Receiving Gifts), and mine (Quality Time, Words), which led me to realize why we kept missing each other like ships
Lauren Korshak is a San Francisco-based Marriage and Family Therapist, Meditation Teacher, Dating & Relationship Coach, and former matchmaker. She has a BA in Psychology from University of Southern California (USC) and an MA in Somatic Psychology from California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS.) In her free time, Lauren can be found dancing, meditating, adventuring outdoors, making music, and spending QT with loved ones.