Love by Alexander Milov Photo: Vitaliy Deynega
"Either you don't see this as sacred or you have a very different relationship to the sacred."
- words from a dream
I read an article in Elephant Journal this week called "Marry A Woman Who Knows You are Real," It is an article directed towards men (there's also one for women that I link to at the bottom of this article), imploring men to marry a woman who sees past their every day ego personality to their soul, their magic, their flaws, and their depth. A woman who can see a man wholly because she is whole in herself. The article moved me, and made me reflect on how much fear and superficiality I see in the dating world today that prevents men and women from having the love they so desperately are seeking. Bonus: the article sparked me to refine my approach to
dating coaching (more to come on that in one of my upcoming posts.)
As the days become shorter and we begin the descent into the darker winter months, I find myself reflecting even more on the themes that the article touches on for me - magic, shadow, and depth.
So often in the dating world, I see people with deep soulful connections to one another who choose not to be together because it's some variation of "too hard," or they "feel resistance." In one way or another, because dating somehow brings up flaws that some of us would rather scapegoat than face, or feelings of shame and pain we'd rather suppress in the basement of our psyches than have erupt messily into our hearts and lives. Often the kinds of connections that bring up our wounds are the ones ripest for the deepest and most profound kind of healing. I implore daters to reframe their relationship to resistance. Resistance is not necessarily a bad thing but perhaps a weather vane helping us perceive the direction of our soul's calling. As Steven Pressfield puts it in his aptly-named book, Do The Work, “the more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more resistance we feel toward pursuing it." If we can turn towards those parts of ourselves in ourselves and in relationship, these relationships offer us potential for the greatest magic and transformation possible. What's hard about a soul connection is not the connection itself but the wounds brought up in each person's own feeling world that need to be faced. Choosing to consciously face these wounds and tend to them brings healing, and relationships can be a sacred container where this healing can happen. Choosing to walk away or find an easier relationship is a form of "experiential avoidance" as it's called in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (avoidance of the experience of our emotions.) This kind of avoidance is the driving cause of substance abuse and addiction, workaholism, overthinking, rationalizing, overeating, and other distractions and addictions. When we choose not to face our feelings and to react or run away, we are allowing our wounds to fester and keep running the show. We do it because it feeds our ego by giving us temporary relief and control, and the illusion of emotional power. However, avoiding our feelings does not ever allow us to feel true emotional freedom or satisfaction. As Charlotte Kasl explains in her book If the Buddha Dated, "our growth begins when we realize we are facing parts of ourselves that have always been there. It's not the relationship, it's not the other person. No one made us feel that way, they simply touched a place in us that was not yet clear...we want inner peace but we're scared to surrender our rigid ego or interrupt our busy schedule to experience stillness (or the agitation that comes when we attempt to be still). We want a partner, but we shy away from pain or discomfort, or the possibility of loss. We want intimacy, but we don't want to let go of our longing to have someone take care of us. These fears come from the stories that conceal our wounds."
This internal conflict between facing our wounds to work through them or escaping them for temporary feelings of power and control is an age-old conflict in love, and reminds me of Milan Kundera's exploration of love, lightness, heaviness and the trapped feeling of eternal return in The Unbearable Lightness of Being:
"If every second of our lives recurs an infinite number of times, we are nailed to eternity as Jesus Christ was nailed to the cross. It is a terrifying prospect. In the world of eternal return the weight of unbearable responsibility lies heavy on every move we make…
The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man’s body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become…" - Milan Kundera
We often avoid facing these wounds for fear of getting stuck in the heaviness, sinking beneath it's weight, being "nailed to it." But the paradox is, that only by allowing ourselves to sink into it, do we become spiritually and emotionally free.
In my practice and in my circles, many of the people I see are choosing the difficult path of facing their deep feelings and healing their deepest wounds. They are choosing the path of facing and validating their own truth in a world that constantly invalidates the importance and truth of authentic feeling. It can be difficult, and it can be a descent, but I see people begin to touch their own depth and magic as they let go of illusion and step into truth.
As children, we all felt a world of feelings and truths. We observed incongruence in the adults around us, and we knew and trusted that we saw the truth. Over time, as the adults around us and world around us chose to pretend what we saw wasn't real or in some cases, denied or manipulated the narrative to invalidate what we believed. We learned not to trust or validate our own feelings. We learned that feelings and the energy we perceived, and magic weren't real. The things we believed in, the things we loved and hoped for, were not treated as truth. We learned that we had to grow up, put on a strong face, "gut it out," be responsible, be parents to our parents in some cases, and let go of our innocent and childlike sense of truth, knowing, and magic. We had to enter the world of mundane, and then to fake the appearance of magic for children without really believing in it ourselves.
I believe the kinds of relationship the "Magic and Mundane" article espouses is a place where we can heal this split between the magical and the mundane. On some level, most of us believe love is a place where healing can happen which is why the struggle for that magical true love is so real. In dating, however, (and most especially now with online dating) it is easier to chase the perpetual fantasy than to surrender our control, face our wounds, and grow into the real magic of relationship. I believe this fantasy about the love that is easy and free of hard work - is nothing more than a fantasy. The real magic we are seeking is in our descent into the challenge and the inner work of a real relationship.
A few years back I wrote a post about Peter Pan syndrome. If any archetype represents the inner magic of childhood, it's Peter Pan. And, if any archetype represents arrested development and stunted emotional growth, it's also Peter Pan. I think the reason why is there such a strong pull in San Francisco to living in this magical, romantic, eternally youthful Peter Pan archetype reflects our split and the nature of the shadow, which I will take a few minutes here to dive into.
As Wikipedia puts it:
In Jungian psychology, the "shadow", "Id", or "shadow aspect/archetype" may refer to an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself, or the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. In short, the shadow is the "dark side". Wikipedia
When we deny our shadow or try to control our feelings, in this case our wounds, our deep feelings, etc, the energy of the shadow does not go away. It simply comes out sideways...in a way that is reactive, less mature, less conscious, more impulsive, and ultimately totally out of our conscious control. (Note the paradox: By trying to control it, we end up out of control). True emotional health, growth, and maturity are not about ignoring our shadow emotions (i.e. "work a lot when you're feeling sad and you'll get over it"), but about acknowledging the shadow aspects of ourselves and all those emotions we don't want to feel. When we deny something, we don't allow it to become conscious, and it festers in the darkness. This is how the shadow works.
I believe Peter Pan syndrome is the shadow manifestation of our true need to feel and live in the magic of our inner child. That magical, sacred, inner child part of us houses our intuition, our sadness, our instinct when something or someone is incongruent in words and action or out of integrity. When we suppress it's true expression, it gets subverted into a need for constant stimulation, play, and distraction. Since the truth of our good and bad feelings are not being integrated and owned, they comes out instead as an addictive lust for constant stimulation and play that never feels satisfied or fulfilled. As Peter Pan, we live in an arrested state of fixation on seeking the next source of temporary good feeling.
But I'd like to posit that this cultural fixation on all things magical - Peter Pan, unicorns, mermaids is actually a good thing - if we take it as our soul's call for integration of our shadow and reclamation of our inner child superpowers. If, Instead of indulging our Peter Pan nature in unconscious ways, we can consciously turn towards and face those difficult feelings that come up - the shame, the lack of self-worth, the sadness, the pain of invalidation - we can also begin to experience the beautiful magical aspects of that shadow energy. Like the photo of Milov's art, let the magic of your inner child glow and guide you towards connection even when the mundane would have you give up or turn away. Turn towards the hard things. Not just the positive, light, cotton candy side of things, but also the depths, the not so pretty things. Follow your truth. It's only by following this call, integrating the shadow and the darkness, that we can experience true magic and love. Not just that whisper or promise of magic that we glimpse on Tinder, but the real heart-thumping, soul-quenching, butterfly-inducing magic of true love.
Source: Marry A Woman Who Knows You are Real
For the ladies: Marry A Man Who Knows You are Real
And a song that says it all. Shallow:
Lauren Korshak is a San Francisco-based Dating & Relationship Coach, Marriage and Family Therapist, and professional connector (and former matchmaker). She has a BA in Psychology from USC and an MA in Somatic Psychology from California Institute of Integral Studies. In her free time, Lauren can be found dancing, meditating, adventuring outdoors, making music, and spending QT with loved ones.